I am so tired of having to have complicated passwords. Why do I have to have one capital letter and one number for the password to my grocery store account? If that actually got hacked, what is at risk? My penchant for SmartOnes frozen lunches? OMG, they may steal my gas points!! I mean…seriously? That’s the worst that’s going to happen.
Years ago, I tried to simplify my life and create three levels of passwords for online activity. I had one simple password for all my non-critical interactions; one more complicated password for email, etc.; and one very cryptic password exclusively for my bank account. Then shit got complicated and websites started putting more demands on me. The problem is that their level of importance didn’t fit into my nice, neat password boxes. So, I met the criteria by capitalizing the first letter and adding a number at the end. Problem solved, right?
Not even close.
They added punctuation.
Okay, so I added a random punctuation mark in the middle of my now capitalized password with the number at the end.
At this point, I’m up to about 85 passwords to remember – my email password, my bank account password and 83 variations of the cheap, useless password, which were supposed to be easy to remember. Okay, I can do that.
New problem. They don’t tell you what the password format is for each individual website. This starts a whole game of “guess which fucking password you used the last time you shopped at Target.com you dipshit you”.
Username: Shenanigans@hootmail.com – OK.
“sparkle” – NO
“Sparkle” – NO
“Sparkle9” – NO
“Sp@rkle9” – NO!
DAMMIT!!! RESET PASSWORD!!
Secret answer: – BiteMe!
“sparkle” – You cannot re-use a previous password.
“Sparkle” – You cannot re-use a previous password.
“Sparkle9” – You cannot re-use a previous password.
“Sp@rkle9” – You cannot re-use a previous password.
“Sp@rkle98” – Password has been changed.
Grrrrr………Didn’t I already tell you this?
Oh. My. God. Seriously????
At this point, I throw my phone. Because of course, I was trying to do all this on a teeny-tiny touchscreen and I now not only need a break, but also an Advil and a very strong drink…at 10 a.m.
And then I get a text message from my kid.
“Mom I’m out of lunch money. Can you put some on my account? I’m going to lunch now.”
P.S. The thing that I failed include in this entry is all the times that I ran through the 82 possible password variations, clicked on the link for my “forgotten password” reminder and discover that I simply had a typo the very first time.
P.P.S – I also failed to mention all the times that I forgot my username, because your username can’t be your real name, email address or anything that you could even remotely identify with.
P.P.P.S. – Oh, I forgot to mention the variations of my secret question because of a phase I went through where I got tired of trying to answer secret questions and just answered everything “blue”. This regularly has me screaming at the computer “YES THAT IS THE NAME OF THE STREET WHERE I GREW UP!! YOU DON’T KNOW ME MOTHERFUCKER!!” “Oh, sorry…it’s “blue”.
P.P.P.P.S. – This doesn’t even begin to cover my work email, where you have to change the password every six months.
P.P.P.P.P.S. – Or my husband’s accounts.
P.P.P.P.P.P.S. – Or my kids.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. – I need a nap.