My husband (a.k.a. “GOD”) has a special gift for calling me at the very moment I become unavailable to talk. Morning, noon, night…doesn’t matter. It’s like he has e.s.i.p. (Extra Sensory Inconvenience Perception).
This afternoon, he called at the precise moment I went into the bathroom. My daughter answered my phone and told him as much, pointing out his special gift. He said, “Please tell her that GOD would like a call back.” She did and the conversation that followed went something like this:
Husband (in booming voice): “This is GOD speaking, how many I assist you?”
Me (in tiny, mousy voice): “Hello, GOD? I have this husband and I don’t think he really understands me….”
Husband: “I think your husband understands you just fine! I think you’re a minority to your husband…who is GOD! Why, you should be KNEELING AT HIS FEET –“
Me (interrupting in sarcastic voice): “That’s “subservient”, dipshit!”
Husband: “Sub-ser…DO NOT CALL GOD A DIPSHIT!”
I couldn’t breathe for 20 minutes.
If anyone wants him, he’s free to a good home.